That’s not a seatbelt, it’s the strap for my Driver’s-side feedbag

When we were young, we set some pretty high goals for ourselves. We won’t reveal what they were, but let’s just say they involved a private jet and at least three invitations to a Playboy Mansion Party.

Now, as we plunge deeper into our 30s and the years cling to us like trans-fat molecules to a Dorito, we find that our goals have become more pragmatic, more modest, more - dare we say - attainable. Where once we imagined ourselves to be the eventual rulers of a global multi-media empire (or at least the Overlords of a moderately successful line of velour hip hop sweatsuits), now we consider ourselves a success if we can navigate an entire day without being unwittingly used to illustrate one of those daily “Americans are too fat” news stories.

Having said that, what a stupid story that broke today.

Expanding waistlines add to pain at the pump
"U.S. obesity linked to extra gasoline consumption, researchers say. Want to spend less at the pump? Lose some weight. That’s the implication of a new study that says Americans are burning nearly 1 billion more gallons of gasoline each year than they did in 1960 because of their expanding waistlines. Simply put, more weight in the car means lower gas mileage.”

More weight in the car = less gas mileage? Really? It took a researcher to figure that out? And of all the stupid things people carry in their car, it’s reducing your body weight that’s offered as the solution. Brilliant. So if we want to save gas money, all we have to do is enter into a weight loss program that will gradually reduce our weight at the safe rate of 2 pounds per week. Here’s a better idea: don’t keep so much shit in your car.

Or buy a lighter car. Or, if you’re really serious about increasing your car’s mileage, then do what we suggest: don’t have any fat kids. Think of how much gas you’d save over the course of their lifetimes: 2 kids at approx. 50 lbs each? Why, that’s over 100 extra pounds in your car and gaining, every year for the next 18 years, weighing you down, decreasing your gas mileage, and helping the terrorists win. So do the planet a favor - next time you see a fat kid, slap one of these across his forehead.

Sure, everyone loves to poke fun at fat people. But we’ll see if you’re still laughing when the obesity police come for your dog.