Introducing Our New Recycling Program

So we're in a sketch writing class. One of our assignments is to come up w/ topical monologue jokes every week So, beginning today, we'll be posting the best of them. Enjoy.

A new poll finds that nearly six in 10 white Southern evangelicals believe torture is justified. And the other 4? Said one evangelist: “We’ll make sure they come around.”

The US military, fearing a strike by Iran, says it won’t be sending Israel any more bombs. Said a Pentagon spokesman: “Great. Now what are we going to do with three million copies of Bangkok dangerous?”

Thousands of people lost their jobs Monday in the biggest financial industry shake-up since the Great Depression. How bad is it? Said one bank CEO - “A couple more weeks of this, and we may have to worry about our bonuses.”

In an effort to skirt government censorship, Google is putting its supercomputers on an offshore ship. This new Data Barge will be about 3 tons, or roughly 1/10th the size of her sister ship, the Google Porn Frigate.

FDA is warning people not to drink powdered milk from China. Seems it’s been tainted by an unknown ingredient. And in other news, still no word on what happened to those missing Chinese Olympians, all of whom disappeared last week after failing to medal at the Olympics.

Thieves broke into the home of Director Michael Bay last week. No arrests were made, but police are on the lookout for two suspects who were seen running away from the home in super slow motion before jumping into a waiting helicopter.

Obama and Bill Clinton had lunch together last week, and we’re told Obama expressed regrets over not picking Hillary. But Bill was able to console him. “Don’t worry about it the former president told Obama. “I picked her, and I’ve regretted it ever since.”

A new study found that people will actually crave a hot drink after being given an icy stare by a stranger. This coincides with the results of another poll in which self-described rude people were found to be at a higher risk of having hot liquids thrown in their face.

When asked how the next president can help the CIA keep the US safe, CIA Director Michael Hayden said "He can do nothing.” To which President Bush relied: “No need to wait- I’m already on it. ”