Worst. Convention.Ever

Comic book guy meets up with gangbangers outside a comic book convention.

weekend wrapup

Busy weekend. we attended a 2-day writing seminar at LAX. We'll post a longer wrapup soon, but in the meantime, here's a good summary of what we did.

This is why we get out of bed every morning..

"Beckham's debut may be delayed."

"His injured ankle is still giving him trouble, so he could sit out Saturday's game against Chelsea. Lalas says pressure from sponsors, fans or television will not factor into the decision." via LATimes.com

It is impossible to overstate the orgy of publicity that accompanied Beckham's arrival in LA, to play for a professional US soccer team that nobody's heard of. About 80% of the publicity seemed to be driven by interest in his wife Posh Spice, the anorexic British cyborg who looks like one of the aliens from a Whtiley Streibler novel. (Never a good sign when an athlete's wife has a bigger entourage than he does.)

We assumed from the beginning that Beckham was washed up. This transaction always struck us as the equivalent of a European American-style football club importing the 2007 version of Emmett Smith to play for them, and he was married to Paula Abdul. But what do we know? (Nothing, as regular readers of this site figured out long ago.)

So we asked a friend of ours who's into European and British League football for her take on the whole Beckham move. Here is her response:

“In soccer years, Beckham is old and he is past his prime. He really has not played well for the last 2-3 years. This injury that he has is a recurring one that he has had since the World Cup last year. That's not a good sign. He did for some inexplicable reason really pick up his game ever since he announced in January that he was leaving Real Madrid for the Galaxy and he was a big part in Real winning the Spanish league...which they used to win all the time but hadn't won in the last 3 years which was actually when Beckham started playing there. It will be interesting to see how he does. Unless he really can't move at all, I predict that he'll come on for the came on Saturday even if it is just for 15 minutes. Overall, he has always been a player who is much more of a publicity machine than an actual great soccer player. He won a lot of championships with Man United but there were a lot of players on that team who were great players so it wasn't just because of him.”

So yeah, we take immense satisfaction in the upcoming anticlimax scheduled to take place this weekend in Wherever-the-Hell-it-is they play. Six weeks from now, we may even go to see him play, once tickets drop back down to the $6 per seat range.

The Hollywood Bowl

This weekend we took in a show at the Hollywood Bowl. It’s a great venue. An outdoor venue set in the mountains, yet still inside the city of LA, under a sky that rarely rains. Good acoustics, people are allowed to bring in as much beer, wine and food as they can carry, the seats are cheap and the acts are pretty good.

We went to see a double bill on Sunday, a show called KCRW's World Festival: Groove Armada opening for Cafe Tacuba. Groove Armada really moved the crowd- everyone was on their feet, dancing and moving to the music. The headliners, Cafe Tacuba, were a letdown. It was as if all the air had been let out of the arena. We left before they began their encore.

Apparently, Cafe Tacuba is not a chain of boutique sandwich shops but is a Grammy-winning Mexican band with a large Latin following, all of which which became obvious right away, because they only addressed the crowd in Spanish. This really alienated the crowd, more than you'd think it would. The Mexicans, Brazilians, and Venezuelans in the crowd loved them, but most of the people we saw were turned off by the time the show ended. (Before you yell “Ugly Nativist”, it should be noted that the area we were sitting in was about 75% Asian. They were just as confused as the rest of the crowd.)

This would have been fine, expect that it was compounded by the fact that the lead singer for Café Tacuba was one of those singers who insisted on talking for long periods of time in between songs.

One of the Ten no longer goes to concerts anymore, but when he did, he was known as a man of principle. One of the things he demanded was that his singers devote as much time as possible to the singing, and little or no time should be spent talking in between songs.

His most famous moment came during a Jewel concert at the Paradise*, a night where she spent most of her time on stage talking to everyone about her experiences in Alaska and Seattle, living out of a car, singing for money on the street, trying to save up enuff money so she could afford the surgery to close the gap in her teeth yet refusing to sell out (this was before she sold her song catalog to Schick razors) , etc. Finally, our man had enough of this, and yelled at the top of his lungs “Shut Up and sing!” Totally threw her off her game. She mumbled something about fans wanting to hear her stories, and then went back to singing.

We could have used this guy on Sunday, to stand up in the middle of the Hollywood Bowl and yell: " ¡Cierre para arriba y cante!"

(By the way, we have no idea what this guy was smoking during the show. The show he reviewed ed is absolutely not the one we were at.

*Before you ask why in the Hell we would be at a Jewel concert, let us say it was 1997, it was free, were were young, and she was an attractive woman, at least until she opened her mouth.

Ten Men and a Movie: Transformers

Let's get one thing straight: you don't go to this movie expecting a great plot. Or a beautifully drawn contemplation of the human condition. Or a meditation on how the fate of giant robots, having depleted the natural resources of their home planet following an endless series of senseless wars, and who are now forced to find shelter elsewhere, but by possessing the ability to transform into objects endemic to their new environment are able to evolve into caretakers of their adopted home, perhaps suggesting that we possess within ourselves an innate ability to transform ourselves into something more in tune with and sympathetic to our natural environment, and that perhaps these giant robots, although they are themselves made of steel and hydraulic fluid, are in fact serving as a call to arms for mankind, by showing us the way forward, which is to become one with our environment by transforming into vegans. (Or maybe we’ve just been spending too much time in LA)

No, you go to see this movie for one thing and one thing only: to see 2 ton automobiles transform into 60-ton robots. (which, by the way, is entirely plausible)

By that standard, it delivered. We saw this movie about a week ago, and were blown away. As was most everyone else in the theater. Still, we deliberately waited to write this review, to allow the initial reaction to fade so that could present a more rational review. Our first reaction on leaving the theater: Wow. One week later, not so much, but it was still a good time.

Here's a good collection of clips from the movie.

The good:

• Its funny. Anthony Anderson, who we’re big fans of, was great. But so were a lot of other people, including Bernie Mac and the guy who played Shia Lebouf's father.

• A better story than we expected, with a lot of scenes and background action that seemed to be there just because they were funny. Probably because Bay convened a small group review of other screenwriters and comedians (including Patton Oswalt) to review the final draft just before filming began.

• They used the same voice for Optimus Prime that they used in the old cartoons. Nice touch. And someone actually says the line "robots in disguise."
  

• The effects were very, very good.

• The evil Dodge Charger police car was awesome. (but we were disappointed in how they rendered Optimus Prime)
  

The bad:

• Not sure if it will hold up on a second viewing. It was 2 and a half hours long, and it did drag at points.

• Scenes involving gov't knowledge of the aliens are reminiscent of Independence Day.
  

• Sets up a sequel, but we fear the concept of transforming robots from outer space might not hold up under further scrutiny or exploration.

• Megatron, the villain, was stupid looking. Looked like a giant, angry Hershey kiss.

• A couple of lapses of credibility for convenience's sakes. 100 ton robots who shake the earth with every step suddenly became light-footed when required for the sake of sustaining a plot or a gag.


• No love for Boston. As is typical these days, there's a wisecracking, beer (or "beah") loving soldier from Boston among the team of soldiers who fight the evil robots. When he's killed, nobody flinches or says a word. Yet when another one of his fellow soldiers is wounded, no less than the Secretary of Defense is seen yelling into his radio to "evacuate that man!"
  

• Because this is LA, we can't write a post without acknowledging that this is of course a racist and misogynistic movie. The person who wrote the piece just referred to is a sad, bitter little man, but we did find ourselves groaning at least once- when one of the autobots is revealed to be a jive talking robot named Jazz, who starts dancing and clapping his hands as soon as he transforms. Ugh. It's a stereotypical portrayal of a black character straight out of the 70's or 80's (If they were so intent of giving a robot a "black" or hip hop persona, we think they could have done a much more nuanced, and more credible, job.) And, of course, he's the 1st to die.
  

Some more observations:

• The Military was the biggest product placement of all. The movie showcased all the great new toys that are still coming online, such as the Osprey, (itself a transforming aircraft) and the F-22. This is also the first movie we recall seeing with A-10s.

• If the idea of Don Rumsfeld running thru the Hoover Dam shotgunning aliens appeals to you this is the movie for you.
  

• A big Bush joke in the beginning, which provoked the inevitable gales of LA laughter from the LA audience.

• Shia Labeouf is the next to Hanks. Deal with it. (but it breaks our heart to have to tell this to this guy)

One thing we really liked - the animators thought about the little things. On scene that stands out is where a truck is speeding down the highway and transforms into his giant robot self. It actually shows him struggling with his forward momentum as he transforms- his tires skid on the road as they're turned sideways , and once he's a robot, he still stumbles forward, like an ice skater trying to come to a stop. In a lazier film, we would see him as a speeding truck in one moment, then suddenly standing upright and perfectly still, ignoring the physics of his previous rate of speed. And when the robots would transform out of their disguises, the animators had them shake it off, as if they really had been cooped up for a long time.

Epilogue: If you’ve seen Transformers, you’ve probably seen the preview for that movie with no title. (1/18/08 it's being called, or Cloverfield .) Our guess: looks like an American version of the Host or D-War, but shot entirely in a camera - POV. Regardless, we’re there on 1/18/08.

They've Embiggened Us All for 18 years

Vanity Fair offers an Oral History of the Simpsons

Best part: Barry Diller and Rupert Murdoch each offer their recollection of the same meeting. As expected, each of them are the heroes of their narrative:

Barry Diller: We were at a scheduling meeting, so there were about 15 people there, and we were figuring out what to put up against Cosby on Thursday nights at eight o'clock. Cosby had been the biggest thing on TV for God knows how many years. Rupert leaned over and whispered to me, "What about The Simpsons?" And I stood up and went over to the board and moved the little magnet that said "Simpsons" to Thursday night at eight. And it took a solid minute before someone said, "You know what? That could work." And it was a big deal, little Bart Simpson going up against big Bill Cosby. So it was a dragon-slayer story.

Rupert Murdoch: We were sitting down with Barry, reviewing the schedule. We look at it and I said, "We gotta be more aggressive … Let's put it up against Cosby. Cosby must be coming to the end of his run—he's been there forever." And everybody in the room was horrified and sort of laughed at me. Except Barry Diller, who said, "No, let's think about this."

Bonus item: Thanks to the Internet, the DNA of the Simpsons is now only a click away. Here's an except of Army Man, a magazine put out by many of the future Simpsons writers back in the early 80’s.

Meanwhile, on page 19 of the New York Times:

“Chertoff Warns of Higher Risk of Terrorism”

"United States counterterrorism officials are warning of an increased risk of an attack this summer, given Al Qaeda’s apparent interest in summertime strikes and increased Qaeda training near the Afghan-Pakistani border" via the New York Times

Terrorists? What terrorists?


Photo via Corbis.

Ten Men and a Movie: Ratatouille

We loved it. Anyone who knows us knows that we dig animation (and Muppets too, but that’s another story for another time) We recommend Ratatouille, even if you don’t like animated movies. It’s a solid story, it's funny, and the animation is outstanding.

Pixar for the longest time avoided rendering humans, and for good reason. It’s tough to do people convincingly. Pixar alone seems to realize that the trick isn’t to make them realistic, it's to make them interesting. The more realistic animated humans get, the creepier they become, according to a theory called the Uncanny Valley.

Instead, Pixar has developed a certain style for all their human characters - rounded, bulbous, shiny, looking more like 3 dimensional vinyl dolls than photorealistic humans. The Ratatouille humans (like the Incredibles before them) have ridiculous proportions - obscenely round , pathetically short, impossibly thin. They are not at all realistic, but they are fun to look at. and we love it. This guy explains it much better than we ever could.

Ratatouille also has something to say, too. It takes a real shot at the role that critics play in the restaurant industry, as pointed out by Kottke.

Here’s how we rank it among the Pixar films, from best to worst:

1. Toy Story. A great story and fun movie, but it's number one simply because you can never top the feeling you get when you saw this animation for the first time.
2. Toy Story 2. Rare sequel every bit as good as the first.
3. Incredibles. This is where they found their groove when it came to rendering humans.
4. Ratatouille. Great story, best artwork yet.
5. Finding Nemo. Beautifully rendered, fun story.
6. Bugs Life. Clever and funny.
7. Monsters Inc. We didn't like most of the monsters. Pixar monsters all seem to be descended from either bears or sea octopuses; most of them are large blobs and have lots of tentacles. Neither scary or interesting.
8. Cars. This is the first Pixar feature we didn't go to see in the theaters. We finally saw it on cable last week. Eh. Could never get into the conceit of the story, Cars as living beings. It was at its most absurd during a courthouse scenes, where all these cars were inside a courthouse, and the judge was behind his bench. Why would they even have buildings, if they were cars?
   

If you are going to see Ratatouille, here are some things to look for, from a message board posting by Patton Oswalt, who voiced the rat. And, like all Pixar movies, Ratatouille has plenty of Easter Eggs.

Finally, the Boston Phoenix gives us something worth reading

"The 25 greatest movies in Simpsons History" By Ryan Stewart.

No Red (Sox) this July 4th

But plenty of (Dodger) white and blue. We caught the Dodger game on the Fourth of July.

We had good seats. Here is our view.




Prior to the game the USAF provided a flyover by a C-17 cargo plane. We admit to being disappointed when we heard it was a cargo plane. No stealth bomber? No F-15s? No helicopters? Not even a B-1? Yawn.

Disappointed, that was, until the C-17 came in. Here are some photos.

The approach.



Directly overhead.


The photos do not do justice to the size of the thing, or to how low it flew. Like being on a whale watch, but you were underneath the whale. After the thing passed over the field, the plane banked and turned toward right field. Amazing to watch - a huge lumbering plane suddenly becoming this fast and agile warplane. Like watching John Candy suddenly vault a pommel horse. (Here’s a huge version of the above photo.)

We sat next to the Dodgers dugout, and had a close up view of Grady Little.


We resisted the urge to heckle him out of consideration for our hosts, who were seated behind us. (The Dodgers lost anyway)

Also had a great view of the batters as they waited in the on deck circle. Here's another Red Sox expat.

Viewed up close, MLB Players are huge. We worked at Fenway Park in the late 80’s, and saw a lot of the players. They were nowhere as big as these guys. Brad Penny got on the elevator with us when we left the game; he looked like an off duty WWE wrestler, not a major league pitcher.

Our take on Dodger Stadium? It’s a good place to watch a game (Which people have been telling us nonstop since we first got here. “You gotta se a Dodger game, bro.”) We went up to the cheap seats - still offered a good view, and hey were only $25. Lots of beer stands, few beer lines. The new owners (from Boston) have apparently done a lot to upgrade the field, and it shows.

But it’s no Fenway. We’ve been to a few other stadiums, and here is how we rank them thus far, in order from best to worst:

Fenway. When you walk up the ramp behind home plate, and you emerge from the tunnel and the park opens up before you, there is a feeling comes over you. We’ve made that walk more than 500 times since 1986, and it never, ever fails to make us as giddy as this guy. We’ve yet to experience anything like it at any other park we’ve been too. (Same thing happened at the old Garden, too, but that’s irrelevant to this discussion)

Minute Maid Park, Houston (ne’ Enron Field). One of the few new stadiums we’ve seen that has character. A hill in the outfield, a cool looking outfield wall, even a Citgo sign. Initially underwhelmed, it’s grown on us as the years have gone by and we’ve seen some other parks.

Wrigley. Can't remember anything about the stadium, but we remember the traditions that enveloped it. Great bars outside, a brass band that walked the aisles during the game, the seats on the rooftops surrounding the park... you felt like you were in a shrine.

Dodger Stadium. See above.

Petco Park. It’s what they did with the concrete box that Dodger stadium came in.

Turner Field, Atlanta. This isn't a baseball stadium, it’s a shopping mall with a playing field in the middle. It’s also an outdoor stadium in one of the hottest and soggiest places in the nation. Brilliant. We couldn’t wait to leave.

Yankee Stadium. A dump once you take your eyes off the field, with only one viable drinking option outside the Park (But even at that place you’d better leave w/in an hour of the game ending. We didn’t, and at the 61st minute, we found ourselves living a Bronx version of Dusk Till Dawn.)

Moviegoing in LA (Cont'd)

a follow-up to our recent post about the movie shrines of LA...

When you go to see The Transformers at the Arclight in LA, the actual Transformers are on display outside the theater.

Happy Independence Day

Now stop reading, put down the Internet, and get outside before you miss the fireworks.

You got questions?

We got answers. One of our competitors wrote in and asked:

“I have heard in L.A., that the theaters are like shrines and no one talks. And people stay through all the credits?”

The answer is yes. In LA, they’ve built theaters that, as places of worship, exceed anything even the Mormons have attempted. (Contrast that to New York, which has a great tradition of 1 and 2 screen theaters, scattered throughout Manhattan.)

Each of these theaters feature a combination of the following:

• Reserved seats.

• Leather seats, about the same size as the seats on Jet blue.

• Ushers who help you to your seats and stay in the theater after the lights go out.

• Every movie is preceded by an usher - slash - aspiring - actor - slash - UCLA - Film - School - Graduate – paying - off - $60,000 - in-student - loans who stands before the crowd and welcomes everyone to the show, explains the ground rules, and tells them where to find another helpful usher is they have any questions. (Someone please tell that popcorn vendor at Boston Common theaters about this place. He’d make a killing here.)

• People turn off their iPhones. Nobody yells “Racist!” at the guy who turns around and “shusses” the people behind him, because nobody talks during the movies.

• 80% of the people show up on time.

• They applaud at the end of the movie.

• They laugh and/or hiss at every mention of George bush in a movie.

• 80% of the men arrive in form-fitting black sweaters and those thick-framed black glasses favored by stylish lesbians.

• There’s a portrait of Cindy Sheehan hanging in the lobby.

• There's a gift shop in the lobby, on a slightly smaller scale than the gift shop of the MFA in Boston.

• People stay thru the closing credits, even when they know there is no hidden scene at the end. About 65% chance that they know at least one person listed in the credits, even if it's just the caterer.

• The snob quotient is pretty high here, too. Movies you’d expect to see at the Kendall get equal billing with the Transformers and Wild Hogs.

The best place is the Arclight Theaters in Hollywood. It is indeed a shrine for movies, which has all of the above features. (altho we have received complaints about their sparse snack collection.)

Other notables are the new Landmark Theaters. Landmark was dubbed “the Arclight killer” by LAist.com, but they’ve missed the mark. Going to the Landmark after experiencing a movie at the Arclight is a lesson in what happens when people really, really get it, and those that are just trying to please the crowd. Landmark had big leather seats - but not enough legroom. The rooms were small. The staff of ushers were unhelpful, not yet trained on the seating charts, waited to be asked for help, and disappeared as soon as the movie began (when they would be most needed, as people inevitably arrive after the lights go out.) The Arclight is a movie house built and staffed by people who love movies, while the Landmark is a luxury movie house designed and maintained by people who want to sell tickets.

The theaters at the Grove. The Grove is a shopping center that is modeled after the Main Street USA in Disneyworld, except instead of rides there are Apple Stores and J. Crew shops

Grauman's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood. It’s got none of the features otherwise described in this piece but it is a large, beautiful theater notable for still hosting all the big movie premieres, the celebrity handprints and footprints in the concrete outside, and Wookies attacking tour guides on the sidewalk.